In the average family home, kids grow up with access to a wide range of devices and digital tools. In the UK, for example, the average home with kids has access to at least 15 different internet-enabled devices, from iPads to laptops, to a parent’s phone, or the Echo Dot on the counter. For kids now, technology is ever-present, and will accompany them at every stage of their lives: in education, as a form of entertainment, in their social lives, and looking into the future, at work.
Considering this, it’s important for families to talk about – and demonstrate – healthy, responsible tech use from a young age. One way to navigate digital rules and establish positive relationships with technology is by creating a family contract, better described as technology guidelines, or a family tech agreement. This can act as a springboard for productive conversations and offer guidelines that everyone feels comfortable following.
Why is a family technology contract important?
Talking about tech use in a mindful, responsible, and respectful way is part of the process for any parent. However, for any agreement to be effective, lasting, and conflict-free, the approach we take is key. For a family tech contract, or better yet, agreement to be successful, we need to take the focus off setting rules (which, as the saying goes, are made to be broken), and shift it towards creating an open, constructive dialogue, which helps all family members use technology in a healthy way.
To get you started, Qustodio offers two free downloadable digital agreements, which can set up a workshop session you can regularly revisit as a family. The family agreements – one for younger kids, and one for teens and tweens – are a useful resource for families looking to get started with the process. Download the appropriate agreement for your family below.
How to get started with your family technology contract
First, you’ll want to create a positive, welcoming environment, where everyone feels comfortable sharing. Choose a stress-free moment, such as a weekend where there are no plans, to set the conversation up. You can help create a relaxed, laid-back setting by combining other elements that remove the “serious family discussion” element, such as a picnic, or as you enjoy an afternoon snack together.
Once you’ve decided on the perfect opportunity, think of an activity you can do together – one that’s age-appropriate, and tech-related. This serves as an icebreaker and will get them motivated for the conversation. For example, you could play a video game together, or explore a new app that allows you to get creative with them. You could even show them what digital wellbeing tools or parental monitoring look like, how they work, and how they can be used to promote healthier digital habits. This can help set up a productive conversation, where kids can see that these tools aren’t being used to control, but rather to protect. This focus shift from control to collaboration encourages them to participate, and brings a more positive angle to the conversation.
Inclusion: the secret to success
Now you’ve grabbed your kids’ attention, the next part of the process is key: involving them. Establishing rules and boundaries shouldn’t be a one or two-person show, but a process where we listen to our kids’ input and take their needs into account, even if what they think doesn’t match up with your point of view or the risks you know are real.
To avoid the conversation being hyper-focused on setting rules and limits that restrict your kids, encourage them to share positive experiences they’ve had, along with apps and games they like. They should feel comfortable sharing what they enjoy and what they don’t, so that the rules and ideas you discuss can be put in place to help them enjoy the good sides, while reducing negative experiences. Sharing worries and negative situations in a family space can also serve as an environment where you offer guidance, giving kids advice on how to face them and what they should do if they encounter risk online.
Now you’re all ready to begin, here are some tips to help guide the conversation and keep it productive:
1. Share your own experiences
Sometimes your kids won’t be willing to share, or might not be able to think of a situation – either positive or negative – that they want to talk about. In this case, you can act as the example, sharing your own experiences first, again not only focusing on negative aspects of technology, but sharing the things you love and the ways it helps you. By sharing only the bad, your kids might think you have an outdated view of technology, or that you simply want to restrict how they access the digital world, which might not encourage them to share as openly.
2. Practice “active listening”
It’s a good idea to repeat what your kids say throughout the conversation, to reflect their thoughts back, show interest in the different points they might raise, and try to avoid interrupting them or criticizing the way they think. On the other hand, as parents, we shouldn’t be afraid to share our thoughts with our kids, to create an environment where everyone feels they can share and their views are worth listening to. We have to be able to exchange opinions freely, even when they’re different.
3. Take turns suggesting ideas
To create a balanced and fair digital agreement, where everyone feels included, try having each family member suggest their own rule or guideline. Debate the proposed rules and come to a consensus about which ones you’d like to include, and which ones you’d prefer to leave out. This will help you come up with rules that are clear, specific, and above all, achievable. It also lets kids and teens feel a sense of responsibility, and that they have control over their digital life.
4. Make an initial list of ideas
Even though we want our kids to feel included and participate, it’s important for the adults involved to have a general idea of what your family wants to achieve with the agreement, so it aligns with priorities and beliefs. Before the discussion, lay out a few rules that you would like to see in the agreement, taking your kids’ ages and personalities into account.
What kind of rules can we include in our family’s agreement?
Not all tech use is equal, and the digital challenges that kids face differ across age groups. Here are some rule suggestions that you could use, depending on your child’s age:
Sample tech rules for under 8s
- A limit of 1 hour of personal screen time per day (e.g. games, videos, and activities outside homework or school work)
- Devices must be used in spaces with an adult present
- Ask for permission before using a device
- Ask for permission before downloading a new app or game
- Don’t share any personal information
Sample tech rules for tweens
- Don’t use devices at the dinner table, or when we have family plans
- Switch devices off before bed
- Make a note of trusted adults you can turn to for support, or who you can go to when you see something that makes you feel uncomfortable
Sample tech rules for teens
- Respect other people’s privacy (avoid sharing pictures of minors and get consent before sharing friends and family)
- Keep social media profiles private
- Dedicate time to offline activities and hobbies
- Promote critical thinking surrounding online content
During the conversation, work to guide your kids, letting them feel they can suggest and implement rules, while also ensuring the rules and boundaries you think are important are included.
Adapting your family tech contract as time goes by
The rules shouldn’t be set in stone, and as your kids get older, their technology needs change – so your digital agreement must reflect this, too. In families where there are kids of different ages, you’ll want to create rules that allow younger kids to understand what’s expected of them when they get older, and help them realize that rules can’t always be “one size fits all”. You can break your rule sets down into different age groups to make it easier to understand:
- For kids under 8, it’s important to focus on basic rules that promote digital health and wellbeing, such as limiting screen time, talking about the possibility of inappropriate content, and setting up restrictions to help them avoid it, while also promoting offline activities and shared family experiences.
- For tweens, even though they may not be using social media, they’ll certainly be aware of it – which should be reflected in the agreement: tweens should know what online privacy is, what happens to videos and photos once they’re uploaded to social media or the internet, how to be respectful and communicate online, how to recognize inappropriate behavior and red flags (especially from strangers), how to identify bullying behavior, and how to be kind to others in the digital world.
- For teens, it’s important to keep working on the same guidelines set out for tweens, promoting healthy online behavior, digital ethics, respect towards other people, moderating screen time and promoting balanced use, and teaching them how to reflect on and question content they encounter online.
With this in mind, you can use the two digital agreement templates Qustodio offers, one designed for under-8s, and the other for tweens and teens, to help families steer the conversation towards age-appropriate rules and guidelines.
You’ll also want to consider when to review your rules – for example, every 3 months, just before school vacation, before starting the new year, or when you’ve had a digital setback and need to take a new approach. Another key moment to review your digital agreement is when giving your child a new device: a video console, an iPad, and especially a smartphone. The existing digital agreement can work as a great base to add new rules and have deeper conversations about the digital world.
Finding digital balance together
As a family, talk about the risks and benefits technology can pose. Ask your kids to share what they know, what their beliefs are, and talk about their experiences, so you can do the same. Listen to them, and share your knowledge of the digital world and online safety. While you’re bringing years of experience to the table, they might also share things that you weren’t aware of, making the conversation something everyone can learn from. Using these shared experiences and collective knowledge, you can set rules that everyone understands and respects.
Healthy boundaries allow everyone to find balance with technology, protecting the youngest members of the family, and making them aware of both the risks and benefits.
The benefits you can highlight include:
- Access to information
- Creativity and skill development
- Connection with friends and family from far and wide
- Access to new opportunities and knowledge
On the flip side, we can’t tiptoe around the risks that the online world poses, and kids should be made aware of them (in age-appropriate ways) as they grow with devices. These points can help you discuss what they need to know of the risks:
Privacy protection
It’s important not to reveal sensitive information, such as names, addresses, phone numbers, your school’s name (and school uniform if your child has one), or any data that can potentially point to who they are in “real life”. In the same vein, kids should be taught how to recognize scams, identity theft, or attempts to dig for personal information during online encounters.
Respect and empathy
How should we speak to others? How do we show respect and gain respect? These values are important to instill, and discuss both regarding the real world and the online world. Respect online is important to establish, as it’s easy to forget that there are real people behind the screen, with feelings and beliefs. Your kids should also know how to identify bullying behavior, both as a victim and aggressor, and how to react to online harassment.
Addictive tendencies
While screens themselves aren’t necessarily an “addiction”, lots of online activities can encourage addictive tendencies and problematic behaviors. Kids should understand the need to establish healthy screen boundaries, limit inappropriate content, and be encouraged to use their devices in more mindful, conscious ways.
Content filters
Free access to the entire online world, especially from a young age, can expose children to concepts and images inappropriate for their age, such as violent or sexual content, which is why it’s important to stress the parents’ role in building safe online spaces with the aid of content filters.
Digital footprint
Everything we do online leaves behind a trail, and children need to understand that just as in the real world, their actions have consequences – if not more so, as it’s very difficult to delete or take back something once it’s been posted online. Children need to understand that even a simple like, comment, or share can have lasting consequences. While young children don’t have this kind of access to the social side of the internet, they can still be given responsibility and understand its importance.
Helping our children navigate the digital world is now an essential part of parenting: devices and technology play a huge role in our children’s lives – and our own – meaning it’s more important than ever for families to approach tech use with care and intention. A digital agreement is a great way to start these conversations, helping families set clear expectations, while also keeping the dialogue open and positive. This way, we can work towards a shared understanding of healthy technology use and what it actually means – promoting collaboration over control.
What makes these agreements truly valuable is their flexibility. As kids grow, and technology continues to evolve, regularly revisiting your family agreement keeps it relevant and meaningful. More than just setting limits, these conversations help strengthen family bonds, encourage open communication, and give kids the tools they need to become thoughtful, responsible digital citizens. Together, families can build a safe, supportive space both on and offline, for everyone to enjoy the digital world with confidence.
