What’s the best way to ask your child to disconnect from screens?

Getting kids to cut down on screen time is one of the biggest challenges parents face  today. In this age of rapidly changing technology and crisis after crisis, much of what we do feels like we are part of some big experiment. 

As parents, we’re overwhelmed. It can sometimes feel like we’ve tried every method in the book to get our children to step away from the screen. The most common approaches depend on your parenting style: ranging from authoritarian to permissive. Which of them really works?

Here are the 4 main ways parents typically ask their children to turn screens off, and how they usually play out:

1. Authoritarian

Parent: “Turn off the phone.”

Child: “Why?”

Parent: “Because I said so.”

Authoritarian parenting is well-summarized by the saying “Do as I say, not as I do.” In reality, approaches aside: We’ve all been there. So fed up with having said the same thing over and over that we feel this is the last and only resort to getting our child to do what we want. Authoritarian parenting uses strict rules, and demands high standards.

Once in a while, this probably won’t hurt, but if it’s your only recourse, it’s important to remember that a child who submits to an order that they don’t understand gets used to obeying orders, and doing what they are asked to do without taking into account their needs or interests. 

2. Punishment-driven

“Turn off the phone now! Put it down now or else! Turn it off, didn’t you hear me?“

Yelling, screaming and other aggressive ways of communicating may get instant results, but they often also produce fear and insecurity and can result in children being afraid of making mistakes or disappointing their parents. 

Children who are often screamed at tend to end up with low self-esteem. Screaming and shouting can often be an indication of stress or negative triggers – we all know how overwhelming being a parent is! It’s important to take a look at those moments where you might have trouble keeping your anger in check, such as in times of high stress, and seek help and support.

3. Permissive

Children in permissive parenting situations have the freedom to make their own decisions: it’s up to them when they switch off their phone, or put their computer away. Children who are allowed to make their own choices generally have good self-esteem, but on the flip side, they often have difficulty self-regulating, as they can easily act on impulse. If your goal is to have kids spend less time behind devices, even establishing some base rules helps them know what to expect and how to act accordingly.

4. Calm and factual

“We are going to turn off your tablet in 2 minutes. You cannot keep watching it because too much screen time is not good for you. Let’s talk about why! Too much time on your tablet is not good for your brain or your body. 

When you read a book, your brain works, and when we play outside together, your body works. Exercising your brain and body is healthy and will make you happy. How about you use your tablet again after dinner?”

Asking in this calm, fact-based style encourages self-confident, responsible and happy children. This clear style of communication is one of the healthiest ways of interacting with our children, and it can be adapted as children grow, showing openness and flexibility, but with limits that are non-negotiable. We set rules that we hope they will follow, but we also know that there are exceptions to those rules and we help them get back on track.

The best way to ask your child to switch off the screen

Getting down to your child’s level (in the case of young children), or sitting down with them, gently explaining the why behind things while looking them in the eye is the best approach. Many children don’t really understand why they shouldn’t be in front of a screen for so long, and it doesn’t help either if they see their parents glued to one for much of the day. 

Screaming and anger might work in the moment, but in the long run, it’s dialogue and consistency that gets the best results. In general, when we explain the reasons why to children, and when we are consistent, it’s easier for them to follow the rules. When parents are firm but calm, listen to the child’s point of view and explain why something is bad instead of punishing them, their children grow up to be happier, more responsible, determined and successful, with higher self-esteem.

Of course there is not just one way to parent. And we all make mistakes. It is not easy and we shouldn’t feel guilty: but we must find a balance between what is best for them and for us.

It’s important to remember that developing self-control is usually difficult for children, especially when it comes to technology. But staying calm and explaining why we do things goes a long way for kids. This factual style is true for all conflicts, and screen time is a great chance to practice using it – your efforts will be rewarded in the future.